It’s Monday here at Max Level, and you know that means — another ever-so-thrilling installment of Five Favorites! If you haven’t caught on yet, every week I pick my five favorite things from whatever the hell I feel like and present them to you in a way that hopefully doesn’t hurt your beautiful little brains. In return, I hope you’ll share with me your top five in the selected category so we can all argue about how much our respective opinions suck!
This week, I’m all about violence. If there’s any way to constructively vent all your hate and anger, it’s through video games — a medium that allows us to do pretty much anything our little hearts can dream up. Better yet, they give you the option of making a weapon out of almost anything. Lead pipe? Ultimate melee. Lighter and conveniently placed flammable liquid? Redneck flamethrower.
In an attempt to honor all things marvelous and violent, I’ve compiled my top five favorite video game weapons. Whether they’re ridiculously powerful or just damn cool, I’m pretty certain there’s something on this list that makes your top five as well.
Lock n’ load, nerds!
5. Blades of Chaos
These babies have everything you could possibly want in a weapon: blades, chains, and fire. Forged in the deepest depths of the Underworld by Ares himself, the Blades of Chaos were the first pair of ultimate killing machines bequeathed to Kratos. If you’ve a fondness for pressing square a lot, these may be your favorite weapons ever made. They’ve got some of the most most fluid attack movements I’ve seen in a video games, and what they stand for cuts deeper than the actual blades. The Blades of Chaos are a tangible manifestation of Kratos’ slavery, and the fact that he uses them again his masters is the ultimate symbol of defiance. Whether you’re killing Gods or just killing time, the Blades of Chaos are a must for any fallen spartan.
4. Rock-It Launcher
Few things feel better than killing people with random objects. Thanks to the Rock-It launcher, it’s now 10x easier. From teddy bears to packs of cigarettes, nothing is safe from the Electrosux 3000. While traversing the dangerous post-apocalyptic Capital Wastleand in Fallout 3, you may come across some fancy little schematics, and if you’re smart, you’ll pick ’em up. Who knew that a vacuum, leaf blower, and other household appliances could turn out to be a weapon of mass junk-struction. Smoking kills, y’all — so do Nuka-Cola bottles, tin cans, and pretty much anything else you can find. And if there’s anything we know about Fallout, it’s that if it’s not glued down, you damn well know we’ll pick it up.
3. Portal Gun
It’s blue, it’s orange, and it’ll send your ass to the moon if you’re not careful. While the Portal Gun isn’t necessarily a weapon, it’s a must-have on the list — ’cause if you’re not thinking with portals, you’re not doing it right. I don’t care if you’re human, potato, combustable lemon or robot, everyone dreams of defying complex laws of physics in order to blast portals on any surface imaginable. The Portal Gun will get you from point A to point B without actually having to exert any effort, and we like that. While I’m not entirely sure I’d trust Cave Johnson and Aperture Labs to provide me with anything remotely safe, they sure do know how to create some useful devices — except the teleporter. We won’t talk about that one.
If there’s two things I absolutely love, it’s killin’ Nazis and killin’ Nazis with the most bodacious weaponry available. The LazerKraftWerk is a Nazi-engineered weapon of genius, quite possibly operating on black magic and unicorn tears. It’s a laser prototype that can pretty much cut through anything imaginable; but if that’s not your thing, it can also shoot energy blasts that will explode human flesh on contact. This beaut is a must-have weapon for any freedom fighter/brain-damaged Nazi killer. If you’re not banging your wonderful Polish girlfriend on trains or having old-school Wolfenstein nightmares, you can be damn sure that you’re using the LazerKraftWerk to hunt down Deathshead and pop his brain with laser-filled goodness.
1. Spiny Shell
You better hope to whatever higher power is up there that you’re never on the receiving end of this bastard. I’m having a hard time thinking up any other weapon that’s ruined more friendships than this tiny little blue shell, and it’s no secret why. With its uncanny ability to target players in first place, the Spiny Shell is the bane of every racer’s existence. If you choose to wield this weapon of mass destruction, be ready to say goodbye to your best friend, your family, and pretty much anyone who ever loved you. But hey, at least you’re one place closer to first.
Well my little nerd babies, that about wraps up this week’s Five Favorites. It was pretty tough narrowing down five of my favorite pieces of weaponry in a medium that’s riddled with so many uniquely awesome things, but I feel like these five can definitely cause some mayhem.
That being said, what’s in your fave five? Sound off in the comments and let me know what pieces of video game weaponry you’re overly attached to.
Happy gaming, nerds!