Welcome back to Five Favorites! Every week, I’ll be picking my five favorite things from whatever the hell I feel like and presenting them to you in a way that hopefully won’t hurt your beautiful little brains. In return, I hope you’ll share with me your top five in the selected category so we can all argue about how much our respective opinions suck!
In our last edition of FF, we discussed the top five games we wish we could play again for the first time. Magical, right? This week, I thought I’d cover a touchy, heart-warming topic: Father’s Day.
Although Father’s Day has come and gone with weird twitter hashtags and a Facebook feed full of sappy messages, I thought I’d lend my brain to the pursuit of higher dad-learning in order to deduce which of our favorite video game man-children would potentially make the best dads — because everyone already knows who makes the worst.
5. Geralt of Rivia
When he’s not acting as the most promiscuous man in the Nilfgaardian Empire, Geralt is actually a pretty decent supernatural bad boy. Although he isn’t one to often partake in the joys of friendship, the bond he does have with a select few people are strong and deep — and the pun may be intended. While Geralt’s witcher status means he must often be devoid of any and all human emotion, it’s growing more and more clear with every Witcher game that Geralt is actually a sensitive little peach, and he’ll go to great lengths to protect the ones he loves. I’m certain that if he suddenly spawned a little witcher baby, Geralt would definitely have a Father of the Realm award… or at least a #1 dad flagon. The only real question we should be asking is, “Triss or Yennefer?”
4. Mr. Torgue High-Five Flexington
Explooooosions! Mr. Torque is one of those people I would definitely classify as… unique — in the best of ways. When he’s not actively attempting to blow up pretty much everything, this weapons maker is just looking for his own piece of mind. There’s no doubt that any child associated with the fake geek guy would be the safest person on or around Pandora — Torgue’s space-truck is probably equipped with the most frightening security system known to man and skag. Torque would most likely raise a little bombshell — resilient, intelligent, and a prodigy of mayhem. Although we’re all accustomed to Torque’s loud-mouthed persona, his sensitive side that often makes an appearance — even if it’s only in a stockade — makes us pretty sure that Mr. Flexington would blow up every moon in the galaxy to protect a radical little chaos clone.
3. William “Bill” Overbeck
Pills, pills everywhere. Bill Overbeck is concerned with two things: the safety of his party, and the ultimate destruction of the undead. Sure, raising a kid in the zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the best idea, but we’re pretty sure this Vietnam vet has what it takes. Yeah, he’s probably a grump, and we’ve never seen him without a cigarette in his mouth, but it’s his fighting spirit, hardass attitude, and the way he never fails to patch you up when you need him that makes Bill so special. Need pills? He’s got you covered. Pipebomb? Bills got it. Is a witch slowly killing you while you scream at your friends? Bill’s there, holding your hand. His stoic exterior can’t hide his gooey insides, and we’re pretty sure that if Bill didn’t die, he’d make the most badass, war-story spouting dad out there.
2. Sergeant Rex Power Colt
It’s not often that a cyber-commando catches our attention solely due to a sense of infinite wisdom, but dammit if Rex Colt isn’t the weird cyber punk Ghandi we all deserve. He holds both brains and brawn, and the wisdom and corny one-liners he would impart on a child could potentially make him the best robot dad known to man. He can fight off blood dragons, soldiers, and compliments like nobody’s business, and he’s certain to raise a humble little cyber solider. He’s also a lover of fine art, finding paintings of crying clowns and dogs playing poker to be incredible works of genius. Rex Colt is cultured, strong-willed, and a guy just looking for a happy ending. He’s no hero, people — he’s just your average everyday U.S. Military Mark IV cyber-commando.
Quiet, calm, collected; these are traits most often held by sociopaths and dads — I’m hoping Steve is more of the latter. What he lacks in conversational topics, Steve makes up for in unending courage, a knack for hard work, and unrivaled architectural skills. Imagine growing up in a mansion made of solid gold, with redstone lamps hung from every ceiling, precious works of art lining each wall. Even at night, when the monsters come out to play, Steve is there, protecting what he loves. He’s number on our our ultimate dad list because his beautiful block head is the ultimate man. He’s worked hard for what he has, and he never fails to have a smile plastered on to his face. If he were to play dad to a crazy little block baby, there’s no doubt the child would live the life of pure luxury, all while learning to one day destroy the Ender Dragon. Hell, this guy even mines with diamond tools; if that’s not the sign of a true boss, we don’t know what is.
Well, that’s it for this installment of Five Favorites. While there are so many potential dads out there in video game land, we’re excited that these five man-beasts have what it takes to wrangle a little hell raiser.
So, who’s in your Fave Five? Sound off in the comments below, and let us know what five potential dad-to-be’s you may be honoring next Father’s day.
Until next time, nerds!