Wake up, nerds! It’s time for Five Favorites. If you’re new to us, let me explain you a thing: every week I pick my five favorite things from whatever the hell I feel like and present them to you in a way that hopefully doesn’t hurt your beautiful little brains. In return, I hope you’ll share with me your top five in the selected category so we can all argue about how much our respective opinions suck!
Oh, America. You’re a land of beauty, ridiculous food, and unapologetic pride. The 4th of July was this past weekend, and there’s no better time to run around in American Flag Chubbies and get drunk for the sake of America than Independence day. It’s the one acceptable day of the year where you don’t completely feel ashamed of your countrymen. Of course, if you’re a gamer, the 4th isn’t the only day where you righteously stomp on the liberties of others for the sake of freedom.
As gamers, we’ve stormed the beaches of Normandy, socked Hitler in his face, stopped urban terrorists from doing whatever they hell they were doing, and bro’d out with submachine guns for no other reason than to assert our dominance. To honor America, her righteous liberty, and all of our fallen NPC comrades, I’ve compiled a list of my five favorites games that simply make me scream, “‘Murica, FUCK YEAH.”
Let’s go! *bald eagle screech*
Say what you will about the game, but I found Homefront filled me with an unabashed sense of American Pride. We all giggle at the thought of North Korea invading the US, but Homefront put it all on the front lines as it shoved us in the shoes of a resistance fighter attempting to bring a sense of peace and tranquility back to America through any means possible. Whether you’re totally into setting North Korean communists on fire, or you’re just looking to feel like the badass freedom fighter we all imagine ourselves to be (don’t lie, I know you damn well do), Homefront is a great example of how the American spirit can transcend horrific obstacles and still overpower any and all tyrannical forces that may stand in the way of freedom.
4. Metal Wolf Chaos
Oh god, you guys — I don’t even know where to being. Metal Wolf Chaos may single-handedly be the most ridiculously patriotic game I’ve ever played. You play as fictitious President Michael Wilson as you attempt to take back the country from a coup d’état — one staged by your arch nemesis: the Vice President. Did I mention that you’re doing all of this with a power suit named Metal Wolf? The game was only released in Japan — why, we just don’t know — but I had an interesting encounter with it, and I’m pretty sure I came out screaming about American-made only cars and how Bush definitely had it right. I mean, it’s that Patriotic, you guys. Metal Wolf Chaos is so over the top and ridiculously dumb, and it’s so gosh darn American. God Bless us, everyone.
3. Rainbow Six Vegas
Arguably one of the greatest shooters of all time, Rainbow Six Vegas is the ultimate f-you to any and all terrorists who may dream of invading our sacred country. Looking to bring down international terrorists? Rainbow Six Vegas. Kickass team play? Rainbow Six Vegas. A unicorn that farts the Star Spangled Banner? Rainbow Six Vegas. Maybe. Fly through glass, shoot bad guys in the head, and try and stop the badass Irena Morales from doing things that terrorists do. If there’s any game series you can really on, it’s Rainbow Six. Tom Clancy was the master of America, and it really does reflect in his games. RSV is innovative, technical, and will make you see stars and stripes. I see no reason to complain.
This damn game hasn’t even been released yet, but I can already tell that my mind is going to melt from the high levels of madness — all in the name of righteous pride. Nothing embodies America more than random explosions, 80’s action heroes, and more explosions. Did I mention explosions? With a name like Broforce, it’s hard to not be patriotic — bro is America’s second language, and it’s so stupid that we don’t even care. There are no emotions at play, just extreme violence and trampling over the civil liberties of every I’m-assuming-you’re-a-commie bastard that may stand in your way. The goal? Who the hell knows. But America, bro. America.
1. Wolfenstein: The New Order
If you know me at all, then you’re probably not surprised this beaut is number one on my list. I have a weird and questionable fascination with Nazi Germany, but it’s completely justified when I choose to brutally assault the Third Reich in a hail of bullets. Captain William ‘B.J.’ Blazkowicz has woken up from a 14 year vegetative state to find that the Nazi’s have won the war — and he’s pissed as hell. Now you’re the ultimate Nazi killer, and it’s so unapologetically american I can’t even begin to explain it. With a crew of freedom fighters at your side, including the most badass Polish girlfriend and a Nazi — how do you feel now, Germany? WE’VE STOLEN YOUR COUNTRYMEN — you can pretty much dual-weild your way through the Nazi war machine and live the American dream. There’s also the most badass, unequivocally patriotic Jimi Hendrix moment. Oh, and you walk on the moon. THE MOON.
Are you feeling patriotic now, Mr. Krabs? I know, a lot of you must be thinking “but what about Call of Duty?” To which I say, NO. Stop that.
If this list doesn’t make you want to hop on the back of a screeching bald eagle and shoot uzi’s at anything anti-american, then I just don’t believe you love the great US of A. If you are feeling the pride, what’s in your fave five? Sound off in the comments below and let me know what five games fill you with the American spirit. Or tell me which games make you feel at least a little less sad that we don’t actually live in Canada.
Happy gaming, nerds!