It’s 3 am. You wipe your eyes and stare around at the once familiar room. “Goddamn it,” you mutter to yourself. Another late night, and you’ve accomplished little to nothing. “Okay,” you sigh as you let out another loud, passionatly tired yawn, “5 more minutes. 5. more. minutes.” Click click click click click.
“HAHAHA!” You let out a loud, maniacal laugh. “I have appeased the Elders. The world is safe… for now.” Yawning once more, you close your browser and make your way to bed, hoping for one night of sleep that’s not plagued with dreams of sentient grandmothers.
You refuse to let Cookie Clicker win.
Now, I wish I could say that this isn’t an true story, but for the most part… it definitely is. Honestly, I’m not ashamed. I’m sure many of you out there can relate to this, whether it be in the context of Cookie Clicker or any other ridiculously addicting game. As gamers, we’re accustomed to playing for keeps; we’ll go the distance… and then some. It’s in our blood, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
If you’re unfamiliar with revolutionary game, you may be asking yourself, “Emily, what in the actual hell is Cookie Clicker?” Well, random internet person, are you sure you’re ready to dive into the underground world of cookies? ARE YOU SURE?! Too late, here we go. It all starts with a cookie.
Aww, look at it. It’s so cute and cookie-like. Here, let me click it. Oh! OH! I just got another cookie. Let’s click it again. And again. And again. 2 hours later, you have amassed a decent amount of cookies. You’ve been featured on your local news station, and everyone seems to genuinely enjoy your tasty baked goods. It’s all fun and innocent. Your journey has begun, and you’re feeling good.
Cookie Clicker is a strangely fun and addicting browser game developed by Ortiel, ruiner of lives. The concept is simple: click the cookie to make more cookies. The more cookies you make, the more unlockable upgrades you gain. The more unlockable upgrades you gain, the more cookies you make. It’s a vicious, addicting cycle. Want to make even more cookies? Employ sweet and tender grannies to bake for your cause! Open cookie farms and factories! BUILD PORTALS! MAKE A TIME MACHINE! RULE THE WORLD!
Okay, I’m getting ahead of myself. But really, you can do all of these things. All you have to do is devote enough hours to clicking things. This simple browser games boasts an array of achievements (88 to be exact), and you’ll definitely be wanting them all. Be sure to get creative when trying to unlock these achievements, as some of them are a bit ingenious. Upon unlocking achievements, you’ll be gaining milk. By doing so, you’ll be able to unlock some unique upgrades. If you’re lucky enough, once in a blue moon a golden cookie will appear. CLICK THE GOLDEN COOKIE. It’s extremely helpful as it boosts your cookie output for a short time. You’ll also unlock an achievement. It all sounds so delightful, right?
Oh man, were you wrong.
What starts out as a independent, granny-employed small business soon turns into a intergalactic corporation. Intelligent life forms from across the galaxy are dying for a change to taste your cookies, and news reports are constantly surfacing over the validity of cookie health benefits. Throw in counterfeit cookie scams, kitten labor, and chocolate mine issues, and you’ve got your hands full. But that’s not even the worst of it all. The more your corporation grows, the more grannies must be employed. Once sweet and innocent love machines slowly morph into sentient beings hell-bent on destroying everything. That is, unless, you can find a way to please them.
I don’t want to give too much away, seeing as you’re probably dying with curiosity over this weirdly entertaining game. Be prepared to feel a bit disturbed, as well as a little ashamed with the amount of time you’ll most likely be spending with this game! Play, click, and find out if you have what it takes to stop the grandmapocalypse. In the mean time, I’ll be glad to share a few pro tips with you:
1. Always be sure to buy upgrades that boost you CpS (cookies per second). This won’t make much of a dent in the beginning, but will be an important aspect once prices start to rise on your standard upgrades.
2. Be sure to always click the golden cookie! Like I stated, you’ll have significant boost in your cookie output for a short time. But beware! Once you progress farther in the game, ‘satan cookies’ (as they’ve been dubbed by many players) will start to appear. These will actually hinder your cookie output, resulting in a significant loss.
3. Leave your browser open as much as you can. Cookies will constantly be made as long as Cookie Clicker is open. This is helpful when you’re just lounging around watching Netflix or getting lost in the depths of Tumblr. Note that cookies will not be made if your browser is not open.
4. For some, the game takes up a significant amount of bandwidth. If you’re having problems with slow internet, Cookie Clicker may be the culprit. If it comes to that, you’ll have to decide whether you want to further your cookie journey or continue binge watching Breaking Bad.
5. I would recommend having at least 50 of every type of building. This will be a great boost to your CpS ratio, and it will help you unlock more upgrades. Be wary of costs!
6. Granny upgrades are always worth it, and it’s fun to slowly turn them a bit more demonic. They’re probably the most important aspect to Cookie Clicker.
7. Work on your clicking techniques. Although manually clicking the cookie is not entirely necessary, it will help raise your cookie count. If you’ve got a mouse, your task is simple. If you’re using a track pad, employ the two hand technique. Find a clicking rhythm that works for you and go to town!
8. If you’re looking for an efficient way to unlock your first time machine, Reddit user vvenkai has calculated the best way to begin. You’ll need 6 Cursors, 6 Grandmas, 5 Farms, 3 Factories, 7 Mines, 5 Shipments, 4 Alchemy Labs, and 13 Portals. This will take approximately 7426 seconds (2 hours, 3 minutes, and 46 seconds).
9. If you’re looking for a lazy way to gain cookies, you can insert auto-click software into your web console. A guide can be found here.
10. Most importantly, have a blast. This game isn’t anything serious, and you can have a lot of fun messing around with all the upgrades. If you’re looking to get far in the game, expect to devote a substantial amount of time to this. Find what strategies work for you, and you’ll be a cookie baking connoisseur in no time.
Well folks, that’s all I’m going to say about cookie clicker. The best way to learn about the game is to just dive right in; it’s an easy way to waste some time if you’re bored. If you’re looking for more out of the game, be sure to explore the abyss that is Tumblr. There is, in fact, a growing Cookie Clicker fandom. It’s even resulted in a tumblr, Little Cookie Clicker Things. Let the hilarity ensue!
If you’re having doubts about how awesome this game is, one tumblr user researched Google Statistics to find out just how popular Cookie Clicker really is. The results? Shockingly awesome, especially when compared to Call of Duty.
Be sure to follow Orteil on twitter, and check out some of his other projects on his website. Give him a follow and send him some love! More importantly, have fun on your journey to becoming the world’s first Cookie Overlord!
And, as always, thanks for reading, nerds.